I don’t write much these days. Few years ago, whenever I had any severe and long-lasting feelings like loneliness or confusion, I tried to write it down. However, it doesn’t help much. Nobody read, nobody cared, nobody advised me anything. I always reminded myself that I wrote to express my feelings, to let them out, not expecting anyone to read, but, in fact, I did. It told me cruely how lonely and poor I am.
Even if someone said something, it didn’t help much.
It was sad, so sad that even thinking about it would make me cry. Very few things you can do to comfort anyone when they are stressed, depressed. Human is as lonely as any kings in history. I can’t share. I can’t make myself understood truly, clearly. Their words can’t reach to the bottom of iceburg in my heart. They just float in the surface then gradually disappear. I feel no warmth at all. Language is a jerk.
I have asked myself many times why I live in such a normal family, normal environment, no war, no death but I don’t feel happy and satisfied with anything. People have sufferd from much worse things than I’ve ever had, but, why? Maybe it lies on my existence, my blood since I was born.
The older I am, the larger the world is.
When I was small, my world was my home, my school, my grandparent’s house. I was satisfied with that little and safe world. Now, I don’t even know where I am, where I should go, where my plantform is. I am not sure about anything. I don’t feel secured at all.
Tonight, looking at my father, I realize how much I used to express my love for him, by kissing his cheek, telling him each time he left home “I love you”. When did I stop it? When I saw full sides of my beloved father, the negative side. It destroyed his image to me. I am disapointed. I am scared. I don’t want to face it. Dear daddy, every time you ask me whether I hated you that much, I thought really seriously whether I hatd you or not. Perhaps I loved you that much so I couldn’t accept the fact that you are cruel, mean and frightening to me and our family sometimes. I am scared of living together with anyone else when I think of you and mother. In nature, I am a negative and fragile girl, Daddy. I could do nothing to change our past, I am trying to change our future but it is really hard.
Being a human means that I have to accept all these unspeakable feelings. It’s sad, isn’t it?
Anyway, recently (actually it has been quite a long time), I am dreaming about committing suicide in Japan. How romantic and beautiful the scene will be! Well, I feel safe there. I assume so. Therefore, I am doing my best to get a scholarship there, even just for one year.