Somehow, I wonder if my present state is considered as “free”.
I don’t have any really close friends.
I just live on the surface of life. I keep normal relationship to everyone beside me, enough for them to give me a sorry when I die “Poor her! She’s kind.” or something like that. No more no less.
I always think that I am a tresure wating to be found. I want to be found. I have tried to be found, but the water seems to be so dark and thick that no one notices my existence, beneath at the bottom of the ocean. Their smiles, their feelings, their conversations, their loves, their pains, why so far away from my hand? I feel lost, a lost and lonely star.
I don’t have much contact with human beings. Amost my time is spent at my home. Somehow, I fear of presenting myself out there for them to hurt my heart.
Well, what’s more? My sympathy, tolerance for my acquaintances are decreasing out of control. It scares me. Will I become some kind of cold-blood animal? I don’t care, just like they are living in another world different from my own.
I am tired. I don’t know. I am only eighteen. I haven’t gone through any obstacles of life yet. Why am I feeling such things?
Even more, something’s wrong with my Vietnamese vocabulary and grammar. I keep mistaking and forgetting their form and meaning. I don’t use it much, except for reading and commenting on facebook. I don’t think much these days too. If I lose my ability to use it, will it be better?
After all, I am disappointed at the expressing feeling by turning it into words like this. It can’t solve anything. My loneliness is still there, myself still in the dark. So ironic.
More ridiculous, instead of commiting suicide, I stick to this boring way of living. Through all books, manga, anime, yaoi I have read, I draw out a conclusion that love is the common way to bring meaning to your life. Passion takes the second place, but it’s harder to find. I am not interested in any particular sport or activity. Lover can’t fall off in front of my face out of the blue.
Therefore, I am here, middle of nowhere. Not many strings are there to attach me to society. Am I free?