So this is the last day of my spring break. I wonder if I want to go back my first day of break. I don’t have any regrets actually. I don’t think my break would be much different if I turn back the time. It is not because I do more homework during the break or not dying from starving. But somehow I feel contented, and ready to go back to college life.
I still have to write something down even though there are not many things to say. It just a good habit to possess. At least that is what my old self believes.
It was a good break. I managed to reflect, and talk to myself. I managed to write, cry, and read again.
It was unexpected. Those hot salty tears kept falling. I bit my lower lip, then bit it again. My heart was trembling. Pain, I felt it clearly. Those words I should have said to you long time ago. But I lost my chance. So I cried for us, for our foolish love.
It felt good to write again. I didn’t realize how much my fingers craved for holding my wooden pencil. I didn’t realize how much I missed the sound of pencil on papers. When you stop doing something, it’s hard to come back since you have gone so long that you become strange. What’s the point of writing them down anyway? Who would bother care anyway? No one would understand. Thus, these feelings kept building up inside, and ate my soul away. I felt lost and desperate. I was wandering around and searching something without knowing what I was looking for.
Reading 1Q84 is fascinating. Not because it takes me more than half a year (I haven’t finish it yet). But I like to let my skin absorb those words, those thoughts, those feelings gradually. Slowly, I find my peace, where loneliness still exists, and people still suffer greatly, but I ain’t gonna deny them. Aomame and Tengo, belief and desperation, love and hatred mix together create 1Q84. The world exists inside each person’s heart. Whether you are able to escape from that world or not is up to you.
My soul is still wandering somewhere in this world.
I haven’t found my old self yet. It’s still missing.
I will finally let it go.
I will set it free from me.
But not now.